i have all kinds of computer problems for some reason. once i had so many viruses my computer would literally not turn on. once (as i have written about) i dropped my laptop on the ground, and the power charge outlet got warped, and the dude at the computer repair shop told me that the computer was therefore pretty much junk and i should just leave it with him. i did so. seems like a really bad idea in retrospect. i coulda sold those parts to nerds for top dollar! “whaddya got here?” they would say “a 2005 acer laptop with original hard drive and memory cards! ah, vintage! we’ll buy it at a high price!”. but instead i gave it to the repair shop guy who probably took it home and did all sorts of terrible things with it, like play online poker. that thing ruins lives (sidenote: i have become addicted to xbox poker, which is a good and a bad thing – a good thing because poker is loads of fun, a bad thing because after every winning hand an off screen character shouts “YEEHAW” and that becomes really stale really fast.)

but i am having lot of problems with computers. right at this moment i am dealing with another computer mishap – i came home from vacation a while ago and turned on my desktop, which had been sitting stagnant for two weeks. it booted up normally but then proceeded to show me the dreaded BLUE SCREEN O’ DEATH. for nerds this is like being told that you have a terminal disease. i proceeded to try my cure-all resusication technique (turn the power on and off a bunch of times) and that didn’t work. safe mode didn’t either. so i was cooked. windows was broken into shards of tiny digital glass (clever? nah). so right now i am running “linux” off of a CDR. and i gotta tell you, its pretty sweet. when you close windows they turn into little 3d boxes and then LIGHT ON FIRE. all this time i had been closing windows without them going ablaze. i certainly did not know what i was missing. of course, linux is the pinnacle of nerd engineering – a system built by volunteers released for free. no one BUT nerds have heard of linux. honestly, they could really make a lot of money off this thing – market it, specifically targeting the FLAMING WINDOW FEATURE (FWF). mac and microsoft have a lot of catching up to do at this point.

so i saw transformers 2 last week, and i gotta tell ya — brilliant. a perfect combination of storytelling, action, romance, civil war, diplomacy, parrots, and megan fox. i got misty eyed at the poignant moments of brotherhood and togetherness. i applauded the triumph of the autobots – they are truly a parable of the triumph of the human spirit.

MORE LIKE THE HUMAN PEE-RIT (thats honestly the best i could come up with.)

seriously what a garbage movie. too long. too garbled. “keys” are a terrible plot device. ok so maybe who cares, right? its a movie about robots fighting each other, so the plot is secondary.

wait, that’s true!

i think i changed my mind. it was pretty alright. its a movie about robots after all. its hard to hate that.

my old friend agent simmons made a few appearances in this movie. he’s actually pretty funny in this one. likable. i had no qualms with him.

BUT HOLY COW IS SHIA LABOUEF’S COLLEGE ROOMMATE ANNOYING AND POINTLESS

(l-r) megan fox (surprisingly un-likeable all movie), agent simmons (i like ‘em!), shia (shia), roommate (I KILL YOU)

he literally whines and complains the whole movie. it is supposed to be funny, but it is not. oh well, in transformers 3 he will be likeable and a new character, probably played by steve allen, will think he is a robot or something after bumping his head. calling it…

sweet dreams…

jkd

Joel’s Internet crapped out, as he informed me with a texted email from his phone. It’s a convenient excuse, I almost buy it. Almost.

He did write a script, but I had requested some changes, which he was unable to make. Fortunately, I pulled up an old script that he apparently forgot about that I have been saving for just an occasion.

Enjoy.

-Nathan

Well, hi! It’s nice to meet you, hypothetical blog reader. My name is Joel, and this is my first blog post since a couple of months ago!! I guess that’s actually not that impressive. I collaborate with Nathan on the future bestseller Everyman, a complex and multi-layered narrative focused on the perils of one Trent Hughes, a bubble wrap technician turned hero. If I may drop all modesty for a moment – it is awesome.

I toiled at making these comics by myself for months, and the results, while “charming” (actual quote), looked as though they were drawn by some sort of half-weasel half-man creature. I am at most quarter weasel. But Nathan seemed to take a liking to them and I was happy to let the art become leagues above terrible (actually very good). Of course, now I am leeching Nathan’s bandwidth for a little while as the first issue gets worked on, so I figured I would try and earn my keep. By the way, this is a very nice server you keep here! I especially appreciate the taste in php broadband vector filter monitoring (<– nonsense).

But before I do earn my keep, may I first introduce the first comic in our newest series, aptly titled “Poop In Bed”. It is a simple comic designed purely to elicit laughter, in what I like to call a “lolmageddon”.

Seriously. What is there in those movies that needed fleshing out? I was at best mildly entertained by the first. It had some okay chase sequences and explosions, as far as I remember. But after being dragged to the embarrassingly named “2Fast 2Furious”, I no longer wanted to be friends with Paul Walker.

The scary thing is, in looking up information about this prequel, I came upon the trailer for “Fast and Furious”. And somehow I find myself thinking that it could actually be pretty sweet. It looks mildly entertaining! If I were at the theater, and someone was like, “Let’s see the new Fast & Furious!” I could see myself agreeing! What is wrong with me?

Anyways.

Earn my keep.

As we all know, Gamer Candy, or by it’s new name’s acronym, GIT (pretty hilarious acronym if you ask me), is a solid source of laughs every Wednesday. So what better way to earn my bandwidth than to direct more people to the source? In lieu of shouting “gamercandycomic.com!!” out my window (which I briefly considered), I decided to let the lonely operators at the LandsEnd.com technical support line have a early morning chuckle.

I conducted this chat at 8AM! Which begs the question – who rushes for technical support on their cardigan sweater purchase as soon as they wake up? Puzzling.

——————————-

Sharon L: Welcome to Lands’ End Live! How may I help you?

Joel D: hi sharon

Sharon L: Hello. How may I help you today?

Joel D: first off, how are you, sharon??

Sharon L: I’m good, and yourself?

Joel D: changing the subject, do you often find yourself bored at work, sharon?

Sharon L: Is there anything I can assist you with today?

Joel D: boy, i hear that. sometimes i get so bored that i SHOUT at my co-workers!

Sharon L: Sir, is there anything you need assistance with?

Joel D: you know, that pushiness could be a result of not enough laughter. did you know that doctors prescribe 5-7 laughs per day?

Sharon L: No, I didn’t know that.

Joel D: i have the perfect solution. check out GAMER CANDY! it will change your life.

Sharon L: Sir, if there’s nothing you need assistance with, I’m going to have to disconnect this chat.

Joel D: it’s just that i have this new outlook on life thanks to laughter, and i feel like i have to share it with everyone. now i know how mormons feel

——————————-

And with that, Sharon felt the need to hang up on me. But I feel like I really got through to her!

With my civic duty done, I decided to take a little time off and explore the social side of Lands’ End. I really did enjoy Sharon’s buttoned down approach to life and decided I would like to spend the rest of my life with her.

Unfortunately, I was next connected to Barb, who I pictured as a middle-aged grump. Favorite TV show: Two and a Half Men.

I decided to try my luck.

——————————-

Barb F: Welcome to Lands’ End! My name is Barb F. How may I help you today?

bigbrothajonpimpin: A/S/L

Barb F: Can I help you with anything today?

bigbrothajonpimpin: do you like kissing

——————————-

And with that, she disconnected the chat. Can’t say I blame her.

The next day, I was sitting at work with nothing to do (as per usual). I decided in lieu of the typical beer surveys I usually fill out (which net you an amazing $5 per survey! a steal!), I would conduct one last chat with the my new friends at Lands’ End.

——————————-
One moment please while we connect you with a customer service representative.
You are now speaking with Jillian L.!

Jillian L.: Welcome to Lands’ End! My name is Jillian L.. How may I help you today?

joel : jillian! the jillster. hows it going today

Jillian L.: Great! What may I help you with today?

joel: boy, i tell you what, i was looking at your fall collection of school uniforms and they are charming! i am looking to strengthen workmanship in my office, and would like to purchase uniforms for my employees

joel : do you have adult uniforms?

Jillian L.: We do! We actually have an entire separate division called Business Outfitters. Would you like the link to their page?

joel : are you serious

joel: wow sure

Jillian L.: Absolutely! It’s fantastic…here’s their site.

Jillian L. has sent you a web page.

Please click on the following link to view it: Lands’ End | Corporate Clothing | Business Clothing

joel: i’ll level with you, jillian. this was my idea of a “prank chat”. i am actually pretty flabbergasted that there are actually work uniforms

joel : thats pretty cool

Jillian L.: Sure….we outfit entire companies.

joel : well this has been very enlightening

Jillian L.: Great…anything else I can help with?

joel : do you want to go out sometime?

Jillian L.: Can my husband and 4 small children come along?
You are prevented from using Live Help.

——————————-
I have to give her credit for that last line.
So I hope that I have begun to earn my keep here at Gamer Candy. Perhaps none of the Lands’ End operators will check out the comic as of yet, but it’s all about name recognition.
Now please excuse me as I shout the website address out my bedroom window at these unassuming bystanders.

- joel.