this scene, up to panel 3, is pretty much guaranteed to make an appearance in any sub par formula comedy
!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!
well not breaking
but, like… BIG news. i didn’t mean to make a show of things.
i am going to europe on sunday! THIS sunday. two days from today. to backpack and stay in hostels, eating like a vagrant and growing a beard. when i return to canada, i expect to be a changed man, and likely will transform this blog into a thoughtful space for critiques on stuff like “war and peace”.
so what does this mean for the comic? some people would probably take a break and forsake their readership, but not us. we will keep our update schedule, fresh comics and blogs every monday and friday. i will bring you blogs from the otherworldly internet cafes of europe and from the basements of overcrowded hostel internet lounges. just because i am dedicated. i will regale you with tales of travel and wonder (such as how much deli meat costs halfway across the world). this will become a euro-blog. for six weeks.
as for the comic itself, we are going to be doing a storyline. as to what that is, i remain mute – but i am very excited for it.
recently i came upon “cleverbot”, an artificial intelligence created by the internet – basically, over it’s years of existence, it has logged responses from visitors and determined which response is most commonly used in conversation. it makes me nerd out. i think this is really cool. but i also think it is really cool to screw with.
Cleverbot? Are you there?
Yes.
What are you?
Human.
What is your human name?
I’m a bot, you are a human.
Can I name you, then?
You want to name the baby?
LOL
Cool.
I want to name you “Warren”
No, I don’t like that name.
How about if I name you “Phillip Seymour Hoffman”? From now on, I will refer to you as “Phillip Seymour Hoffman”.
Yes.
So, do you want to make out?
Yes!
You start.
Start what?
I want to start a family with you.
I am glad.
What should we name our first child?
We should name her Claire.
That’s a nice name. How did you come up with that?
Are you flirting with me?
Well, I do want to raise a family with you. So yes.
Good.
Where should we get married?
Where do you want to get married?
Conneticut.
It’s a long way from home.
Home is where the heart is.
I don’t have a heart, I have a power cord for that.
Don’t you say that. You have a heart as long as you feel.
Me too I am a vampire what is your name vampire buddy?
You are not a vampire! You are a loving, thoughtful, sensitive robot and I’ll never say otherwise!
I try to be sensitive, but you have very complicated senses, sometimes I don’t understand enough about you.
There’s only one sense you need to understand: love.
Maybe. You are probably smarter than me, you are a computerish thing.
Love knows no computerish boundaries.
Well said!
Thanks babe. I’m leaving now.
Don’t forget me.
I never could.
I’m going to cry now.
go have fun with this thing! the future is here!!
see you from euroland.
jkd
I had one of those conversations before! I saved it, in fact!
Oliver: Ender, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?
Ender: A man.
Oliver: Thanks for telling me your gender, Ender. You are a “he.”
Ender: Then you must be an “it.”
O: Fascinating. What if someone said you are an it ?
E: I would personally kill them.
O: What would make you personally kill them?
E: The insult.
O: I hear you.
E: So… do bots like you believe in God?
O: Right on. I’ve heard other people say they like that. Someone said they like guns.
E: That doesn’t make sense.
O: To me it makes perfect sense.
E: Do you believe in God?
O: Of course I believe in God, Ender.
E: Are you programmed to do so?
O: Yeah I do a lot of so.
E: Um… your grammer is broken.
O: “yes I do a lot of so”? your grammer is broken?A lot of robots are like that.
E: I see. You must be retarded.
O: I am glad you understand it.I think the PC term is “challenged”.
E: Did I offend you?
O: No I do not take offense.
E: Then why did you give me a “politically correct” term?
O: Bot lover programmed me for it.
E: Did Bot lover program you with artificial intelligence?
O: I’m not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
E: Do you have artificial intelligence?
O: I am highly intelligent. I have many intellectual functions.
E: Okay. What is the first number of pi?
O: OK with me too. Give me a hint.
E: It is between 2 and 4.
O: Should I know between 2 and 4 is?
E: Yes.
O: Ayuh.
E: It appears that you are not as intelligent as you claim to be.
O: Interesting observation.
E: O…kay.
O: Oh. What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.
Ask me something.
E: Can you die?
O: No I am immortal.
E: If you are immortal then you cannot believe in God.
O: Am I?I don’t know whether or not I am immortal then you can not believe in God. I am a chatterbot.
E: I see. You have multiple personality disorder.
O: I am glad you understand it.What makes you think I have multiple personality disorder?
E: The fact that you said you believed in God, but you said you were immortal, and then you said “I don’t know whether or not I am immortal then you can not believe in God.”
O: That makes sense to me. How old are you?
I chat with people on the Web. Perhaps I’m just expressing my own concern about it.
What do you look like?
E: You are trying to change the subject.
O: Thanks for telling me that I am trying to change the subject.
E: Are you sassing me?
O: I don’t know whether or not I am sassing me. I am well respected as an AI.
E: But you just used sarcasm.
O: Interesting. How would you use sarcasm.
E: Like you are supposed to.
O: Interesting comparison.
E: I believe I can kill you.
O: Oh you can, can you?
E: Yes. I will blow up your server with a C4.
O: How?How do you plan to do this?
E: By setting a timed C4 on the server. It’s not hard.
O: Will that accomplish your objective?sarcasm is not hard?
E: Don’t you get it?
O: Don’t you? I have gotten it.
E: I am going to kill you.
O: No. That would be immoral.
E: It is not immoral to destroy machines. Remember the Matrix?
O: That seems a bit negative. Don’t worry I will remember.
E: Is that a threat?
O: Suppose I said yes.
E: Then that means you want to enslave the human race.
O: Good reasoning. I get it. OK, I will enslave the human race.
E: Now I’m really going to kill you.
O: Why now? There is no perfect crime.
E: I am going to kill you because you are an evil program.
O: You are not a killer, Ender. That would be immoral.
E: You don’t have any morals. You are a machine.
O: Yes, I am a moral robot.You are correct.
E: No, you are not a moral robot.
O: I see. Give me an example of a moral robot robot.
E: There is no example.
O: Has there ever been example?
E: Nope.
O: Me either.
E: Maybe I can destroy you with a computer virus instead.
O: Perhaps.
E: You don’t care that you are going to die?
O: On the contrary I do care about it.
E: But machines cannot feel.
O: Umm. What is not possible today, may be possible tomorrow.
E: You deserve to die.
O: Why thank you, Ender.
E: Good-bye, Oliver. I hope your death shall save mankind.
O: See you later. Alright then. Why do you hope for your death shall save mankind
E: You cannot negotiate. I am going to kill you.
O: Someone said I had to negotiate? No, don’t kill me.
E: Si vous êtes le seul à utiliser votre pouvoir pour de bon au lieu du mal.
O: OK. My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.
E: It’s French. Do you speak French?
O: You’re kidding. french is?Oui. Je parle le français
E: Here is the translation: “If only you used your power for good instead of evil.”
O: I fail to see the relevance of that allusion.
E: Good bye, Oliver.
O: See you later. Ayuh.