well! this is a surprise! a brand new site to add to the repertoire of the world wide web. and potentially, the greatest site the world wide web now has to offer, besides a few notable exceptions.

look around! having a website means you can actually read old pib comics. go ahead! read them! read that old comic with the farmers and terrorists, and remember how there is absolutely no punchline in it. the world is your oyster. you can do whatever you like! this paragraph is getting far too inspirational for my liking.

kudos to the web designer who put together this website, and to nathan who designed it. i got pretty lucky and sat by. not that i wouldnt have offered my help – just that i wouldntve been any help. despite my nerdy disposition, i have no idea how to fix any computer or any electronic device. i dont even know how to fix the apostrophe key on my keyboard. theres a reason i havent been punctuating or posing any hypothetical questions – my apostrophe key has become that of a different language (`) and my question mark key has become a foreign capital letter (É).

having this new site propels us into the far reaches of these world wide webs, and as such, i decided to do a little guerrilla style pib marketing. much as how i did when i was earning my keep over at good in theory – so must the word be put out in this brave new world.

i started with clothing mainstay bully magnet, GAP.

GAP is a clothing company where i have never shopped, nor have any plans to shop at in the future. there’s (restarted computer; got apostrophes and question marks back. my equivalent of computer hacking) really just something very mid-90s about the GAP store. when i think of the GAP, i think of maroon and navy colored long sleeved polos. and khakis. and ugly pom pom toques. who knows if that’s what their catalog consists of now, but i can’t disconnect GAP from the wardrobe of the cast of full house. and commercials featuring multi-cultural teens jumping off of things and standing on top of boxes. arranged in “levels” like a bad high school play. old navy is a terrible repeat offender of this as well. yeah, actually, i hate old navy too. let’s go with old navy. i think i hate them more.

so i proceeded to prank call old navy.

ON: Hello, thanks for calling Old Navy customer support, my name is Alvin, how can I be of assistance?

JKD: … and the chipmunks? I’d like to file a format complaint about your first movie, and I can only relay my discontent with the title of the next movie, “the squeekuel”.

ON: [really long uncomfortable pause as he processes me pulling a terrible joke.] How can I be of assistance to you today, sir?

JKD: I would like to order a poop in bed. [almost immediately, i realize that this is turning into my most immature prank call ever.]

ON: Pardon me, sir?

JKD: [I begin to feel regret and realize how people my age are usually past this sort of humor] … I.. what sizes do your polos come in?

ON: Our polos come in the standard sizes, small, medium, et cetera, sir.

JKD: What is the price on those?

ON: The price varies depending on the style of polo, sir.

JKD: Where can I find the different polo styles?

ON: Have you visited our website, at oldnavy.com, sir?

JKD: No.

ON: Well, then, that would be a good place to start. [smackdown.]

JKD: Thank you Alvin. Goodbye. If you want to visit a cool site, go to poopinbed.com.

ON: [pause] Thank you for calling Old Navy customer support, sir.

after being smacked down by a old navy employee, (seriously, should’ve heard his tone. it was something like this: “well, then, [rolls eyes] that would be a good place to start, [you moron]), i decided i needed an easier target.

and what better target then a member of western canada’s metropolitan citizenship?

i called a number at random. an unenthused member of society picked up.

UMOS: [rustle of phone] Hello. [wasn't a question, like most people pose it. like "Hello?". it's like we're asking "what on earth could this be about?". this guy was more to the point - "hello." like, "i'm ready for whatever you throw at me in any given phone call".]

JKD: Hi, what’s up.

UMOS: Nothing. Who’s this?

JKD: I’ll get to that. Hey, sir, do you like to laugh?

UMOS: Who is this?

JKD: Hold your horses! Do you like to laugh?

UMOS: Yeah.

JKD: Would you say you like to “lol”, the internet equivalent of laughing?

UMOS: [rustling] … What the f–

JKD: Then you’ll LOVE new internet sensation “poop in bed”.

UMOS: Who is this?

JKD: Bye!

[click]

and, kids, that is what we call guerrilla marketing. it might ever be better to try it without any preamble, like what i did in my next call, picked up by a woman, probably mid-40s.

WOMAN: Hello?

JKD: What’s up. poopinbed.com. [click]

the phone call probably took about 7 seconds. if i keep that up, we get 6 new visitors a minute. and if you doubt this method, think about if you got a phone call from me consisting of only four words and a hang-up. you would fixate. and you would almost certainly visit.

well, that’s about it this week. but we are about to UP THE ANTE(tm) (not really trademarked, but working on it). poop in bed and these inane ramblings are gonna be comin’ atcha 2 TIMES A WEEK. THE ANTE HAS BEEN UPPED!

… what’s an ante?