you may be wondering what the nonsensical blog titles i write are all about. are they clever in-jokes? summarization of the blog you’re about to read? or random nonsense? the answer will shock you..

nah its nonsense.

anyways, i somehow have a weird obsession with nfl football. sports are not really my thing. i’ve written before how uncoordinated i am, unable to perform simple stretches and exercises. i seriously cannot do a full sit up. never could. i can do crunches, and i’ve been told if i do enough of them i will eventually be able to do a sit up, but boy that sure sounds like a lot of work. so of course, being so uncoordinated, sports are right out. never enjoyed them. never been good at them.

i was the kid who in elementary gym class would try and find excuses to sit out, faking injuries and what not. i hated simple exercises, like skipping, because i had no idea how to do it (coincidentally, my job right now is working with 2-5 year olds and teaching them sports and exercises. i am certainly the wrong man for the job, but i try my best. a 3 year old girl didn’t know how to use the skipping rope, so i took it from her to try and demonstrate. “you just put it behind your back, like this,” i said, demonstrating, “and then you jump when it gets to your feet”. then, i jumped, to demonstrate, and cleared the rope. then, drunk with glory, i proceeded to jump and jump and jump, faster and faster and faster. i knew how to skip! what a proud day for me! the 3 year old girl stared as i continued on this way for a good minute).

but for some reason, although i am terrible and exercise and completely hopeless at playing sports, i am weirdly obsessed with NFL football. have been for six years or so. i like… i do drafts… and stuff. like, fantasy drafts. so while, in a sense, i finally had a point in the “jock” column, i somehow managed to combine that jock point with the nerdiest possible form of NFL football – enabling the nerd team to steal that point and bring it firmly into their possession. sigh.

of course, the problem with having nerd points is that they will not impress the ladytypes, and especially not the most babe in the world – ALEXIS BLEDEL. that is the poster from her horrible new movie, “post grad”, which i got a free poster of and of which you betcha i put up. i write about this because i recently wrote a smashing wall post on her official facebook page, which is almost certainly going to have her drivin’ up to canada at the next moment’s notice….

DYNAMITE

but some people who don’t have the talent to pull something like this off are those we find in the seedy underbelly of the phone lines, like quest! these are the people who don’t understand technology, so not only are they lonely creepy men, they are likely well above 50.

so, in the interest of science, i called into quest. indicating i was a man, i pressed one, and was informed that i would be charged BY THE MINUTE! but of course, would that be the same for a woman? i called in, pressed two. nope. free trial. so i put on my best female voice (which, honestly, is really very terrible), and set a message.

“HIIII MY NAME IS JULIE! I AM A BEAUUUUTIFUL 21 YEAR OLD. I MANAGE ASSOCIATELY THE LOCAL LIBRARY AND I LOVE RABBITS! IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU HEAR, SEND ME A MESSAGE!”

the way that these things work, is that you set up your profile and then send messages to all the other people who inexplicably have “stayed in and called quest”, like on the ads. i didn’t feel like i was fitting the part too much like i had seen on the commercials – i hadn’t lit candles nor was i wearing a bath robe, and i wasn’t “staying in” either – i called at 11AM. but it somehow all fooled six or seven lonely guys. some of them sounded normal enough, with normal names. pete, steve, stuff like that. julie needs more excitement than that, though. so julie went with the most colorful of the applicants: “SADDAM”.

yes, saddam left julie a very disgusting message. he had a deep breathy voice, sounded like he was off in the distance, calling from a hospital bed while munching on a sandwich. he asked how i was, what i liked to do, and if we could chat on skype because it was “easier”. while quest warned you not to take the calls anywhere else… science… interest of… et cetera.

so i made a fake skype name and gave it to saddam, and within moments he was calling. i recorded that call and nathan was kind enough to subtitle it and upload it to the tubes. here is the video……

so that’s phone chat lines! the more you know!

ouuuuut

jkd